The Quest

Stranger to my own eyes, these words have been ringing in my head ever since, from the last couple of weeks. Who am I, what do I represent, what constitutes my thoughts, what makes me, who is the true me? The more I dwell in these thoughts, the more confounded I become with what I have become, I have been and I am. Deceit, manipulation and lies colour me in their green shades and I, knowingly, unknowingly, revel in them. I had the chance to let go of the lies, to let go of the cloak of deceit that I proudly wrapped around myself, but their false glitter was too shiny to leave behind and I kept dancing in their momentary joy, hurting people in the process, inflicting pain that I was too haughty and nonchalant to comprehend. I became the quintessential Hilaire Belloc’s Matilda who kept lying so much so that one day when she spoke the truth of a raging inferno in her house the crowd assumed it to be another of her lies and the flames of death charred her. Was I always like this? Did I become that person? Am I inherently the bad lot?

I do believe I have shades of some goodness that lie hidden, making appearances once a while, but the moments of goodness lose their voice, their essence when the overpowering sense of deceit hue them in their opaque shades. A hypocrite cloaked in duplicity uttering only all that would make me look pious-I am that person. I exaggerate and the fact I am happily, or unhappily blessed, with the ability to bend my words to my advantage make all that I wrote and said lethal. I am so rigid in my thoughts, in all that I believe in that anything contrary to what I so vehemently believe in is met with intense dislike; and I will with my ingenuity spin a tale to make my point, to make a statement that the world has to agree with. Haughty and high-headed, I sit high in my fake pedestal of glory judging the world that I wrongly assume to be beneath me. Jealously comes inherent to me and I refuse to look at the abilities that I possess and let the green fire of jealousy consume me, wallowing in the hell of jealousy. Confront me and I will victimize myself, making the other person sorry for what they rightfully said. I dwell in the ghettos of misery; I derive my energy from negativity, from feeling sorry for myself, for playing the hapless victim always, for never accepting that I make mistakes and it is not circumstances that must be blamed at all times.

I have lost myself thus, I have become a stranger to my own eyes and I needed a good shaking up to have the scales of falsehood that blinded my eyes crack open, to let the light seep through and I am grateful to that force in the form of a person. I need to let go of the baggage from the past, to let go of that manipulative and deceitful person and embrace happiness, embrace acceptance. I need to find myself, I will begin again and I will tread upon that quest to seek myself.  

13 thoughts on “The Quest

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  1. I wish you all the best in your endeavor. Please do not be too harsh on yourself. Wish you a great year ahead.

      1. best way to take it πŸ™‚

        Noticed you changed back to your original blog name but found the original closed or deleted?

      2. Yes! I deleted the old blog-you may say I am reinventing myself, leaving the past behind and embracing the newness, ‘reinvent’ like you wrote in one of your poems : )

      3. well said, altho I do pray you kept copies of some of your posts, you have such a way with words!
        I’m culling my blog back as I’ll probably go off air later in the year but wont burn my blog altogether.

  2. Like calmkate, it was indeed sad to read, and yet… have elements of being born anew… to see oneself as one really is, is more stark than seeing oneself in the mirror…

    1. It took me quite a while to see myself for who I am, embrace my true self, and let go of the skins I wore, of pretence, of lies and may be it was being born again. Faith and hope have been my guiding light and a belief that there is a spiritual blessing to help me when I falter if I truly believe and also surround me with people, with love, to help in my travails.

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