It was my Year

The previous year, when I sit and ruminate over the months that were, although three hundred and sixty-five days, from a spring spent by the beach and upon the mountains to a pandemic summer, to rains that never ended until December, save some days of desert sun, and a white Christmas spent with everyone I love in my tiny hometown, seem like a blur. Did I really live through the previous year? Did it really occur? The answer seems an impossible no at some moments while at other moments it does seem like a plausible, a possible and a very real yes.

Twenty twenty-one was a year, a year that changed so many things, that changed the course of my life, that effectively changed me and here I am, happier, at peace, content and travelling on that yellow brick road discovering myself, unearthing the many emotions, letting go of so many little pebbles, leaving them aside on the road where they rightfully belong and I walk yonder, to a happier place, at peace, a sense of settlement clinging onto me. Twenty twenty-one had me sinking to the deepest trenches of earth to, later, soar high, towards the stars shining bright and here I stand amazed, smiling at the journey, at the discovery. Little did I know at the beginning of the year that the months that would eventually unfold would bring about a whale of changes, and glad I am that they did.

Remarkable would be the single word, were I to describe the year that was. The most difficult thing, and yet the easiest later, perhaps, is to own up, to accept oneself, be aware of one’s faults, not essentially faults but one’s idiosyncrasies, so I have learnt. The ‘death-mask’, the mask of pretence that I faultlessly wore was not easy to let go, it was not easy to be truthful, to be unabashedly myself, to not conveniently don that mask from my closet of behaviour, masks which I would change from person to person. But after months of debating, wondering, pondering, talking, breaking down, fighting, talking with my partner, I was able to wear the one face that truthfully belongs to me. It was easy, it truly was, yet my inhibitions, my fears, complications that I had created inside the realms of my head prevented me from being me. It is a work in progress, but I have someone to prop me when I falter, to tell me when I deviate, and I know there is this someone walking along with me upon that yellow brick road.

Yes, twenty twenty-one was when I started learning to be happily vulnerable, to be comically stupid, to take that leap of faith and eventually I discovered this very someone, my partner, who had been patiently waiting for me to be myself, confident that I would eventually find myself. No, it was not a path, strewn with rose petals and velvety nor was it entirely difficult to tread upon. Your experiences and thoughts have the power to change any circumstance is what I have learnt, and these are lessons that I would not have ever discovered that it not been for my partner. The previous year I moved in with my partner to our place, a place where we ‘make the rules’, a home that we are building every day, settling into our settlement. It was effortless and yet I had made it ah so difficult, stuck that I was with my notions, trapped that I was in a zone I had christened comfortable. But now we are in our home.

The previous year was when I, in a way, came out to my family, was sweetly surprised at my mother’s understanding, having always undermined her depth of emotions; it was a year when I re-bonded, or must I say, I bonded with my sister, my mother after years of holding onto, with all my might, the resentment, the anger that I harboured and an anger that only made my living maddening. It was the year when I lost some friends, but also a year when I gained some compatriots trotting upon a similar path of self-discovery, guiding one another made possible through a session I initially mocked; it was a year when I let go of the many loose ends, a year when I started taking charge, a year when I forgave myself, a year when I commenced owing up, to being truthful and aligning my thoughts with my words, and my actions with my words. Yes, it was a year of lockdowns but it was also a year when the locks inside my head came crashing down, and may be, just maybe, like I had always pondered and wished for, it was my year.

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24 thoughts on “It was my Year

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  1. Parikhit!!! I’m so elated to see you here! Missed your work. I was so happy to read this post- truly one that must have felt as cathartic and therapeutic to write, as its wonderfully inspiring content. It couldn’t have been easy, and yet, you did break free.
    You know I’m a fan of your prose, and I couldn’t quote most of your piece here, so I’ll stick to one line, which is, “Your experiences and thoughts have the power to change any circumstance” – Yes, Yes, and Yes! 2021 all but killed my innately optimistic spirit, but I’m learning to change my perspective slowly, trying not to take life experiences as an assault designed by Fate upon myself, so to speak, and still have faith divine justice.
    Congratulations to you, and may 2022 become as beautiful and important a part of your story!

    1. Thank you so much Isha! You are aware right that your inspiring words always make my day.
      When I look back at the year that was, it seems a year when I learnt, unlearnt so much to be what I am today; I would equate it to peeling away so many layers of vulnerability, of misconceptions, of misconstrued perceptions, and embracing newness, things for what they were to land in a place where I dwell today. It is a work in progress and I think such is life, we learn each moment.
      I am sorry to hear that 2021 was not very kind to you but look at you already emerging from the chrysalis and are allowing faith to lead you forwards towards happier days. I pray that you find yourself smiling that smile of unhinged happiness soon and when you look back at the days and months, you’d find the reason 🙂

      1. Pain is the price we pay for such faith, and belief in the brighter day, Parikhit. It’s a hard bargain. 😉 Have a fabulous day! Wish to see you blogging oftener now.

  2. As you say, it’s good to be vulnerable. While driven into the corner by the dogs, biting attacks from the dog pack go on as loud music blares in this club. I am imagining a dance club now, filled with computers with flickering screens, each one displaying a different blog. Which screen are YOU on?

    — Catxman

    1. You are right, let the music blare on and silence the noise in its melody. I would like to believe I am in a screen that has a mellow yellow glow, a warmth and a serenity, that doesn’t fade even when the fluorescent colours die out.

  3. Lovely. I read it out to the husband. La poste était merveilleuse. You write with and from your heart. Loads of love.

    1. Merci beaucoup Uma 🙂 Je vais commencer à écrire. I am writing with a heart cleansed of all doubts and misconceptions. Thank you for being there in the journey 🙂

  4. So glad to know that twenty twenty one was the year that brought about positive changes in your life, Parikhit!
    Change is never easy, nor is facing the truth. Yet, when we do that, it can be so liberating. We are too hard upon ourselves and often allow others to dictate our choices. To be able to break the cycle of pleasing others while all the time hurting inside is so difficult to live with.
    Wishing you the very best always and hoping to see you here more often.

    1. You put it beautifully. Change is never easy but once we embrace the change, it seems surprising that the resistance to change was so difficult to live through.
      Thank you so much for the encouraging words 🙂

  5. sounds very moving, facing that vulnerability and being at ease with who you are … always happier in a relationship! May 2022 bring more peace and joy to you and yours 🙂

    1. Thank you so much and I am glad that you are around here! Being comfortable with oneself makes it very easy to be comfortable through anything. 🙂

  6. Parikhit such a lovely post. Change is never easy though but once we embrace the change, it seems surprising that the resistance to change is so difficult to live through. The past two years have been a strain on everyone but hope all gets over fast and we all move towards a better future. Thanks for everything.

    1. Oh absolutely Kamal! They were trying times and I hope that we emerge stronger out of it. 🙂
      And thank you so much for the words, you are so very right. Change seems scary because the uncertainty feels unsure but hasn’t it always been the thrills of uncertainty that led to so many amazing discoveries and inventions.

      1. Yes Parikhit I completely agree with you. It is in uncertainty that certainty has taken place and in suffering we get joy and happiness. Life is like that and we all need to emerge stronger and fight the disease. Yes Change does seem scary but once overcome then things move smoothly and nicely.

  7. A Very inspiring story! I’m glad you took control of 2021, and that you were able to find your true self, and happiness along the path of the Yellow Brick Road 💛🌈 Onward, soulful adventurer!

  8. This post is beautiful and inspiring, Parakit. Being your authentic self is very liberating. That is a blessing I have enjoyed only later in life…no longer trying to live up to the expectations of others or living by beliefs and opinions I did not hold. Continued happiness and contentment to you! <3

    1. You say it so well when you write “no longer trying to live up to the expectations of others or living by beliefs and opinions I did not hold.” It takes courage to begin with to live a life that is authentic and when you start doing it, it becomes so simple 🙂 Thank you so much for your wonderful words.

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